Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my shit smells like andre
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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