my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
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nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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