I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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