i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
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I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
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It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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