its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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