my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
