Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
