I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
