update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
