He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
