At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
