He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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