More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
