guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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