thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
