This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
