Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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