The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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