I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
