grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Bring me that man meat
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
