So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
