Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
