now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
