the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
