i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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