so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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