You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
