So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
