No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
