If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
