nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Who died my cat blue again?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
