did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
