I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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