So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
