Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
