Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
