i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
