I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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