im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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