I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
