I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
