final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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