I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
