Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
