i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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