We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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