i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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