After last night, I could never be a politician.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
