apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
