That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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