Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
