if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't think brook has ever known best
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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