i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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