what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize