There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
