Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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