i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
