Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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