I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
